I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize