everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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