did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
