It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Randomize
