So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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