respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
