i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
