Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
You can't motorboat a personality
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
