Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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