Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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