Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize