I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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