Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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