I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize