I need to stop coming to work sober
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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