She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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