I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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