This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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