She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
