Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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