I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
