They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
