I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It's just like the Real World with babies
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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