my mouth tastes like poor choices
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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