If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
