words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
