false alarm. still invincible.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
