We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
