Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
