his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
