I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
