just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he fucked my hip out of place.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
