I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
