i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
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