I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
