We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
