the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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