I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
