if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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