my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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