Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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