i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
