This is not my ceiling
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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