What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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