I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize