why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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