The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
