p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
