She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
