my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
