I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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