i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
