Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
