i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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