Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
