I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
