Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
