do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
